Fact (031)

Sixth through twelfth grades. Baritone, alto and tenor, and loved it.

(Source: perfectbucketlist, via perfectbucketlist)

Fact 030

Technically, I’ve learned how to play the violin. In reality, I’d need to practice for about seven more years before I sounded remotely decent.

(Source: perfectbucketlist, via perfectbucketlist)

68.

Ah, summer. It’s officially here. I’m no longer a junior in college, but a rising senior. It’s so crazy to think about. But I really enjoyed this past semester. My history classes were so much fun - Victorian Britain and The US & Middle East - and I finished up a rough draft of my thesis. A very, very, very rough draft.  A geography class that focused on culture and comparative politics rounded out the schedule. I managed four As and one B (Comparative, bleh!), which was really nice to see after the flop that was last semester. Trying to slowly drag that GPA back up before I graduate.

Also, before I graduate, I’m going to Turkey. Yes, I think I’ve already told you this, but in 72 DAYS I will be on my flight to Istanbul to meet up with my friend AG before we bus around the western half of Turkey for 21 days. I am oh-so excited! I’ve never been abroad before, and I am beyond ready for this trip! The Scotland/Ireland trip fell through because not enough people signed up, but I still can’t wait to tell you all about Turkey in person some day, to show you pictures and souvenirs. Maybe we can both go together some time, if I end up really loving it over there. Pah, who are we kidding? We both know I’m going to love it over there because it’s new and different and full of history, so grab your sunscreen, love, because any children we might have have a Turkish auntie they must visit.

What else is new and exciting? I was selected to be a pedagogical associate for a freshman class in my Honors college. That probably sounds super boring to you (it does to most people), but I’m so pumped to get to work with the incoming freshmen and see how their eyes start to open to the world around them, to watch them realize that they don’t have to prove themselves as the smartest or best but simply have to understand the community in which they have found themselves. The idea of “global citizenship” may sound cheesy to some, but I take it seriously, the idea that each person living an informed life of awareness and purpose can eventually change the world. So yes, let me geek out over that.

Also, geeking out, I would be totally okay if you, my future husband, look exactly like any of the Avengers. Other than Black Widow, because that’d just be weird.

Let’s see…to continue the update. My uncle’s Australian Shepherd is really old and her heart is failing. That might seem odd to inform you about, but this dog is pretty amazing, and the first Aussie I spent any time around. She’s the reason I want a Border Collie or Australian Shepherd myself, and I’m just hoping that I get a dog at least half as cool as she is. We’re all sad about it - my uncle has had her for 13 years, the same time I got my puppy, who is also now getting older and sick. This is always the saddest part of owning pets. Sorry for the downer, but there it is.

So, where am I now? Not physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually? I’m trying to figure all that out myself. After a long, exhausting battle this semester, I finally went to my doctor and was put (back) on an anti-depressant that I was on several years ago. This was a surprise to most of my friends, but those that know me best knew that something was wrong - I was mean, exhausted, and without drive. I would go sit in my car in the parking lot for hours, or just lay on the living room couch instead of going to classes. Honestly, it’s a miracle my grades were as good as they are. You’ll have probably learned this by now, but a lifetime of being a preacher’s kid has given me this public face superpower, to push whatever is bothering me and smile for others when it really counts.

I know depression is a touchy subject for a lot of Christians. Many people believe that it’s all in someone’s head, that it can be willed or prayed away, but so often it’s more than that. It is for me. There are triggers occasionally, but depression isn’t just sadness. I’m not sad about anything in particular - I’m apathetic and (like I said) short-tempered. I don’t eat because that takes energy to get up off the couch and go to the caf. I either have horrendous nightmares and don’t sleep, or I sleep way, way too much. I managed a 3.8 GPA for the semester, but I know that I have God to thank for that. I thank Him for understanding teachers and roommates, for a doctor who listens to me, and for the medical researchers who have found ways of treating something that would otherwise cripple me.

Perhaps that accounts for my long silence. Perhaps my crazy schedule is to blame. I often feel like I have nothing to report back to you. But today, I remembered that this isn’t a diary I’m supposed to be keeping. They’re letters. To you. To share my observations on life and faith and those awkward moments that you know all to well riddle my life. So I’m sorry for being inconsistent and selfish in that pursuit. With summer upon us, I have more time to write and think. I cannot believe I missed our “anniversary” by 11 days - it’s been over a year since I began this little project, and still feel like I have so much maturing to do before we meet.

Dear whoever you might be
I’m still waiting patiently.

66.

Remember when I used to write you everyday, back at the start of this endeavor?

I guess I just feel like I don’t have everyday things worthy of being shared without them becoming too repetitive. Because lately, my life seems stuck in a hamster wheel.

Monday - breakfast, study, lunch 2 classes, study, worship team, small group, study
Tuesday - breakfast, class, meeting, lunch, 2 classes, study, chapter meeting, study
Wednesday - breakfast, study, 2 classes, study
Thursday - breakfast, study, 2 classes, prayer group, study
Friday - breakfast, study, 2 classes, study, study, study
Saturday - sleep
Sunday - church, sleep, study
Repeat

Yet the hamster wheel also feels like a rollercoaster, because I’m just kind of holding on for dear life. I only have 11 weeks left of my junior year. What!?
Time is just zooming by. I’m starting to realize that every year feels a little bit shorter than the one before it, and it kind of freaks me out. And then I think about meeting you and settling down and living life with you, and I can’t help but wonder when it’s going to happen. In junior high, I told myself, “well, at least there’s high school to find someone.” Then in high school, it was “at least there’s college to look forward to.” And now I’m over halfway done with college - a year and eleven weeks left - and I’m not sure when to expect you. So many of my friends are already engaged or married - people in my part of the world tend to get married fairly young. My brother and sister-in-law got married at 22. My parents even younger than that.

So it’s hard to remember to give you over to God. Too often I just get stuck in my little cycle of sleep-class-homework-repeat that I forget that He has this plan for me. And then I wonder if I’m truly living up to the life that He is calling me to live. I know my Father has a plan for me that just isn’t crossing out the days on my calender until I meet you. I’m definitely praying that I can just get out of this funk and feel like I’m living a purposeful life again.

64. (Fact 029) I love, love, love playing Ultimate Frisbee.

Except I haven’t had much time for it this semester, and now I’m even more out of shape. I definitely miss it, and my teammates.